Posted by Boozer76

Topic: The perfect example for JGB’s learning journey in marriage

Originally Posted by Boozer76
This is a true story:

My wife and I were at the Home Depot. I needed some grass seed to fill in some bare spot in the lawn. She decided she wanted to tag along:

Rule #1-Never let her tag along when you are on a mission to quickly buy a product you need!!

Anyway, we go into the HD and I find the grass seed that I want. She immediately questions why I opted for the sun and shade variety that costs $2 more per bag. After explaining that this is the one I need for what I am doing, she says “well what about this X brand rye grass variety?” I explain that it is not good for the purpose I need, prompting her to then look at every other bag and question each, I finally just cave in and tell her the one she picked is the right one (even though I know that it is not going to work and I’ll be back to buy the right bag that is already in my hand the next weekend. That is if I go alone!). She sees the look of irritability on my face and explains that she is just trying to learn and “help out”. I tell her she’s right and made the right decision (a lie) just so I don’t have to hear about it anymore. She then says to me “hey, that was quick, do you mind looking at some paint samples with me!!” Since I broke rule number one, I must now endure the consequence. Of to the paint department we go.

She picks out 3 different paint samples for the living room. Mind you I just painted the entire living room 3 months earlier in the color she chose, but she’s not happy with it.

Rule #2-Always find out which choice your wife likes most before telling her the one you like. Agree with her no matter what!!

She shows me the 3 samples and asks which I like. I say the green shade. She then says “hmmm, I think I like the blue one best”. Immediately recognizing the horrific mistake I just made, I immediately recanted my choice of green and said “blue is best!” Too late. She said that I chose green first and wanted to know why I preferred green. I said “I don’t know, I just like it best of these choices”.

Rule #3-When trying to back out of mistakes previously made in breaking rules 1 and 2, NEVER introduce the idea more choices!!

She did not hear “I like it best”, she heard “I like it best OF THESE CHOICES”, obviously indicating that I must not like ANY of her choices and clearly the best choice in my mind was not presented. Suddenly she turns to the paint displays and introduces more shades and more colors, asking my opinion of every one she picks up. After almost 1.5 hours in Home Depot I say “you know, I really like the blue one youOriginally showed me”. She smiles a satisfied color as if this entire debate of choice finally made me see the light that her decision was the right one all along. But it doesn’t end there. She takes the blue sample to bring home but questions me on why IOriginally thought green was better. She then felt the need to tell me why blue was best. “It matches the detail in the rug, and it complements the patterns in the furniture”, she says. I tell her that’s fine-but she wants me to give my presentation and opinion on how the green would work with this rug detail and furniture. I tell her that I didn’t even know there was a rug in the living room.

Rule #4-While to you that stupid rug in the living room is nothing more that something to wipe the mud off your feet when your wife is not looking, to her it was the perfect complement to the furniture, which matches the chotchkies on the end table, which matches the accents in the pictures, which are complimented by the dress she decided to wear that day. She feels like you not noticing that means you don’t notice her, and if she thinks you don’t notice her YOU WILL PAY DEARLY!! No matter what it is, if she makes reference to something always act as if you noticed it and appreciated the effort that went into it.

Now I am being yelled at because I “don’t appreciate the effort” and “shouldn’t be able to give an opinion on wall colors if I can’t appreciate all the other decorations”. Now I’m relieved because she won’t ask me anything about the pint color anymore, but mind you it’s now dark and I can’t finish planting the seed in the yard until the next weekend, when I’ll need to go back to Home Depot and get the right grass seed in the first place.

So here’s how I handle it today as a wiser, happier man:

#1-When she asks to go to Home Depot with you, you say “I’d love it if you came dear, but I really have to hurry and get back to start working in the yard. It could really take me hours Walk briskly to the car and simply say “maybe next weekend” as you peel the f$&@ out of the driveway.

#2-if you broke #1, when she asks to go look at the paint chips simply say “sweetie, I really think I need to get home. I feel a bout of diarrhea coming on. Whoa, we gotta leave right now!” Summon a fart for effect.

#3-If you blew #2 and are given choices, say “I’m really undecided, they’re all such good choices. Which one do you like?” When she tells you, strongly agree with her! Try summoning another fart and retry example #2.

#4-If you screwed up this far and now revealed you didn’t notice all her planning that went into the color she chose (i.e. the rug), it’s time for drastic measures. Simply say “sweetie, I’m sorry. I know the rug is there, but I really am not thinking straight with this horrible stomach ache, you are right. Please let me make it up to you after we get home and I take some Imodium”. Summon another fart, pray it’s a shart for serious effect and make it well known that you now sharted and REALLY need to get home.

If, by chance she remembers your promise in example #1 the following weekend, you will be ready to learn rules 5-9. For now, head this advice and use it wisely.

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