The Fruit of the Matter: Why the Patriots Win Super Bowls and the Jets Don’t.

by Garbanza
Guest Pats Columnist

I was grocery shopping the other day. There I was in the exotic fruit area – feeling up a big, red Pomegranate (or as it is sometimes referred to, the Wisdom Apple); and it occurred to me, if Bill Belichick were a fruit, he would be a Pomegranate. I placed the Pomegranate into my basket and walked over to the Lemons. As I viewed the display of these shiny, bright, yellow, yet sour Lemons , I thought to myself, if Herman Edwards were a fruit, he would be a Lemon. Now, you are probably wondering if I’ve 1) lost my mind and 2) why exactly is Bill Belichick a Pomegranate and Herman Edwards a Lemon? Well, I think I lost my mind a few years after college – a story for another day. Today, however, I will explain my fruit analogy.

Pomegranates are the best team fruit of them all. Once you tear away its tough, leathery red skin, you see a bounty of juicy, sweetly acid, red seeds held together by a white tissue. Eating only one of the red seeds (or pulp) is just a tease and leaves you feeling rather unsatisfied. However, eating several seeds at once is a tasty nirvana – together, these seeds leaves you satisfied and happy….just like my Patriots! The Patriots are really an extension of their coach – the Pomegranate. Individually, they don’t usually satisfy – but together, they create exotic defenses. Together they leave an indelible mark (Pomegranate seeds stain). Together, they not only quench the fans hunger and craving, they win Championships.

The Pomegranate, some scholars believe, originated in biblical times. The name Pomegranate is of ancient origin. In Latin, the fruit is known as Malum Granatum – Apple Grain. Though it can’t be proven definitely, the fruit of the “Tree of Knowledge� mentioned in the biblical history of creation was most likely meant to be a pomegranate. Now, how uncanny is this! Belichick is often referred to as a “Genius� He is thought of as a scholar, having studied at Philips Andover Academy – where Latin is mandatory – as well as earning a degree in Economics from Wesleyan. He has devised some of the best schemes the game of football has known and has revolutionized the zone defense. His defensive game plan against the Buffalo Bills in the 1991 Superbowl is enshrined in the Football Hall of Fame – Football’s Temple. Many say he came from the Coaching Tree of Knowledge, otherwise known as Bill Parcells. And, those sideline outfits he wears! Fit for a monk!

There is also a parallel in Greek mythology, where the Earth Goddess, Demeter, lost her daughter. Persephone, to the underworld God, Hades, because of a single pomegranate grain the daughter had accepted. Again, how bizarre! Hades is evil. Hades is the devil. Hades is Hell. Jets fans think Belichick is evil, I know more than one Raiders fan that thinks he’s the devil and playing against a Belichick defense is pure hell.

Now let me turn my attention to the Lemon, a rather contradictory fruit. On the outside, it holds the promise of much sweetness – a bright, yellow, shiny exterior with an appealing odor and thick skin – surely to protect the riches that lie inside. But alas, we are misled. Once you cut through the promise that is an untouched lemon, you see it for what it truly is – light yellow, juicy, acid pulp that tastes bitter on its own. Can’t the same be said of Herman Edwards? It’s generally believed that Herm Edwards inspires his players, his staff and even the fans – most of which are New Yorker’s, some of the toughest fans in the league. Herm Edwards spins his words in that folksy/preacher Herman way, and sways the masses – surely it must be true! The Jets will make it to the Promised Land! It is said that Herman Edwards is a great man, a kind man and honest man – a man that will not lie. I say, hooey! Herm Edwards has done nothing but tease his players and fans – selling them on the premise that an alleged “players coach” and a “good man” must certainly mean he’s a good coach. He looks great. He’s a natural in front of the camera – save the “flustratingâ€? moments- and he convinces everyone that he’s a stand-up guy with solid football smarts. Look closer. He can’t manage a game, he never takes responsibility for any of the teams digressions and quite frankly I’ve yet to see him out-coach anyone. Out-luck, sure – you need look no further than last year’s playoff game against the Chargers for proof.

What are lemons used for? Slices of lemon are often used as garnish. They can be squeezed and added to sweeteners and water to make lemonade or other drinks. It is an ingredient in pies, tarts and cakes. It is a flavoring for puddings, sherbets, preserves and pharmaceutical products. Lemon juice, combined with salt, can be used as a stain remover. Lemon juice and hot water is the laxative of choice in Hollywood. The lemon is used on fish and often to remove a pungent smell. Boy, lemons do a lot! Herm Edwards claims to have good multi-tasking skills – but we know this to be untrue. What true multi-tasker hires a time management consultant? Lemons look like they have a lot of zest and zing…they appear to be a key part of something big. Herm Edwards talks an aggressive game. Yet, with the game on the line and the clock clicking…..clicking, Herm made some rather cowardly coaching decisions. Click, click….down to six seconds….here’s a bold coaching move! Penny, take a knee and lose two yards!!

Jets fans, beware the lemon, it can be toxic. The thorns of the lemon tree inflict painful punctures. Lemon peel oil may cause contact dermatitis. Some people have been known to have severe allergic reactions to lemon tree wood. Don’t fall in love with Herm Edwards. I think he could be bad for your heart.

Too bad there isn’t a Lemon Law for coaches.

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